|Sunrise, sunset. Ha!
||[Feb. 19th, 2014|04:41 am]
It's amazing what one good day can do to me after almost a week of just hellish depression. I hope her life is everything she dreamed it to be, but I need to move on now. In June I will have met her 15 years ago and I'm almost positive that as long as I've had this journal, she has been the top subject in it. It finally comes to a close. After countless attempts only to be reversed by countless tearful reunions Sarah and I are finished. I can't say I resent our entire friendship, if nothing else I certainly learned a lot from her. At the same time, I missed countless opportunities of having some real relationships or connections with other girls or women because of her. I know it seems cheap to blame her, and for a while I didn't, but the more I thought of my issues, the more I can connect them almost directly to her. Of course she did change, the most painful times were pretty much within the first 6 years, but I never healed correctly. Every time a wound would begin to heal, she would just rip it open again, to the point where there was nothing but scar tissue left where my mind once was. It's very possible that if I had never met Sarah, I would be a normal person, maybe in a relationship, hell maybe even married. With kids even... I maybe would applied myself more instead of worrying about how I can please her. I might be in shape. Maybe I would kept playing football and had gone to college. Shit... It's all been out the window for too long now to even bother to dwell on it I suppose. Maybe it's just easy to blame all my problems on her? Maybe she doesn't deserve that? Maybe she does? Either way here I am now. I haven't openly cried in front of anyone since my grandmothers funeral... If you don't count me on the phone with Jamie when Moose died. But I wept over the weekend. At a birthday party of all places. Poor Ania, trying to celebrate with smiling faces, and then there's me. Whining like I'm 16 again, sobbing if only briefly in the arms of Lisa Van (bless her for that by the way), drinking like I was awaiting the arrival of death himself.
I am much better, I had a great day to reflect on this. This post is just sort of my own personal therapy session. It's fun too because no one reads this thing anymore, but I still like the idea of anyone at any time being able too. They won't of course, every time I talk about LJ I am looked upon like some sort of old timer :-D.
In other news, I'm ampped to make my move into Brendan's house in a week. I'm doing very well at IDS and we're moving to a new facility towards the end of spring, one three times larger than the one we're currently in, and all while having gotten two raises in the past 3 months. I'm a gun owner now, which take that any way you want, but the fact is I like to shoot, it's stress relieving and just a fun hobby in general, not to mention I've become just a little more prepared for the complete downfall of this country... Or zombie apocalypse. Anyways, it's a Smith & Wesson M&P 9mm semi-automatic handgun. Fun stuff. Well there's my "therapeutic/what's up with me" post for the year. We'll see if I keep up the writing this year in here. If not, see you next year Livejournal. Cheers! -Briskey-